Good afternoon friday!
Today's article is for dj:
How did the fight start?
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get sooooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And that's how the fight started...
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, December 30, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Friday Fever 123
Good morning friday!
So this was in the news...
Merry Christmas in the jail cell. =(
No pleasant friday everyone.
No pass go.
No collect $200.
Regards from your wisest most talented and good-boy leader,
Felix
So this was in the news...
Merry Christmas in the jail cell. =(
No pleasant friday everyone.
No pass go.
No collect $200.
Regards from your wisest most talented and good-boy leader,
Felix
Friday, December 16, 2011
Friday Fever 122
Good evening friday!
Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, December 9, 2011
Friday Fever 121
Good evening friday!
Let's welcome the festive occasion!
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and super leader,
Felix
Let's welcome the festive occasion!
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and super leader,
Felix
Friday, December 2, 2011
Friday Fever 120
Good afternoon friday!
So I was looking at this picture of people doing the "peace" sign, posing for the picture taken by the camera while they rode the rollercoaster, and I wondered, "how would they know when the camera is going to take their picture?"
Then I enlightened myself, "that's right, they posed throughout the ride."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
So I was looking at this picture of people doing the "peace" sign, posing for the picture taken by the camera while they rode the rollercoaster, and I wondered, "how would they know when the camera is going to take their picture?"
Then I enlightened myself, "that's right, they posed throughout the ride."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, November 25, 2011
Friday Fever 119
Good morning friday!
You've watched it before. It's still great for a laugh.
Now, there's a part II.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
You've watched it before. It's still great for a laugh.
Now, there's a part II.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, November 18, 2011
Friday Fever 118
Good morning friday!
A little of singaporeans' stereotypes!
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and hardworking leader,
Felix
A little of singaporeans' stereotypes!
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and hardworking leader,
Felix
Friday, November 11, 2011
Friday Fever 117
Good morning friday!
You have another 2 hours and 11 minutes.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and hardworking leader,
Felix
You have another 2 hours and 11 minutes.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and hardworking leader,
Felix
Friday, November 4, 2011
Friday Fever 116
Good morning friday!
Now you know where they came from!
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and awesome leader,
Felix
Now you know where they came from!
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and awesome leader,
Felix
Friday, October 28, 2011
Friday Fever 115
Good morning friday!
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and brilliant leader,
Felix
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and brilliant leader,
Felix
Friday, October 21, 2011
Friday Fever 114
Good morning friday!
A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, “your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself."
On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did he say?”
“Well”, the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably won’t make it.”
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, “your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself."
On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did he say?”
“Well”, the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably won’t make it.”
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, October 14, 2011
Friday Fever 113
Good morning friday!
With the new release of the iphone 4s...!
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
With the new release of the iphone 4s...!
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, October 7, 2011
Friday Fever 112
Good morning friday!
A couple walked into a cheap looking restaurant. As they were about to sit down they noticed there were crumbs on the seat, after cleaning up the seat and wiping down the table they sat down.
A waitress came over asking them what they wanted, “I’ll just take a coffee” said the man.
“Me too,” said the lady, “and make sure the cup is clean.”
The waitress returned with their drinks.
“Ok,” she said, placing down their cups, "now, which one of you wanted the clean cup.”
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most brilliant and exemplary leader,
Felix
A couple walked into a cheap looking restaurant. As they were about to sit down they noticed there were crumbs on the seat, after cleaning up the seat and wiping down the table they sat down.
A waitress came over asking them what they wanted, “I’ll just take a coffee” said the man.
“Me too,” said the lady, “and make sure the cup is clean.”
The waitress returned with their drinks.
“Ok,” she said, placing down their cups, "now, which one of you wanted the clean cup.”
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most brilliant and exemplary leader,
Felix
Friday, September 30, 2011
Friday Fever 111
Good morning friday!
Can you spot the invisible man!?
Good work! Next, find the cat!
Finally, with the best of luck to you, find waldo!
(You might want to click to enlarge.)
For your good eyesight!
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and witty leader,
Felix
Can you spot the invisible man!?
Good work! Next, find the cat!
Finally, with the best of luck to you, find waldo!
For your good eyesight!
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and witty leader,
Felix
Friday, September 23, 2011
Friday Fever 110
Good morning friday!
After the doctor diagnosed a man for cancer and told him that he would not make it past 3 months.
The patient, very upset, refuses to believe the doctor, "How can I be left with 3 months to live!? I am absolutely fine and healthy! You are lying to me!"
He starts throwing tantrums at the doctor, demanding a second opinion.
The doctor then replied, "Okay, here's a second opinion. You too sir, are very stubborn."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
After the doctor diagnosed a man for cancer and told him that he would not make it past 3 months.
The patient, very upset, refuses to believe the doctor, "How can I be left with 3 months to live!? I am absolutely fine and healthy! You are lying to me!"
He starts throwing tantrums at the doctor, demanding a second opinion.
The doctor then replied, "Okay, here's a second opinion. You too sir, are very stubborn."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, September 16, 2011
Friday Fever 109
Good morning friday!
Please use the word, literally, correctly:
-the oatmeal comics
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and literal genius leader,
Felix
Please use the word, literally, correctly:
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and literal genius leader,
Felix
Friday, September 9, 2011
Friday Fever 108
Good morning friday!
A doctor and a lawyer met at a party. Their conversation was interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice. Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said, "Tell me, what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"When they ask, I give them advice", replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill in the morning."
The doctor decided to take the lawyer's advice and for the rest of the evening wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him for advice. The next morning
he took out the list, just as his secretary walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
A doctor and a lawyer met at a party. Their conversation was interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice. Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said, "Tell me, what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"When they ask, I give them advice", replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill in the morning."
The doctor decided to take the lawyer's advice and for the rest of the evening wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him for advice. The next morning
he took out the list, just as his secretary walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, September 2, 2011
Friday Fever 107
Good morning friday!
Things You'd Love To Say (But Don't Dare)
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a darn.
Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and awesome leader,
Felix
Things You'd Love To Say (But Don't Dare)
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a darn.
Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and awesome leader,
Felix
Friday, August 26, 2011
Friday Fever 106
Good morning friday!
Bringing back memories,
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and witty leader,
Felix
Bringing back memories,
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and witty leader,
Felix
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Finding the Fisherman's Friend
Hi Friday,
This picture looks familiar yes?
Within the blink of an eye, 2 years have passed since you guys last celebrated with me my 21st birthday. I had been able to dig out something...which is linked to some traumatic experience.
I'll be thanking your well wishes ahead first.
Regards,
Felix
This picture looks familiar yes?
Within the blink of an eye, 2 years have passed since you guys last celebrated with me my 21st birthday. I had been able to dig out something...which is linked to some traumatic experience.
I'll be thanking your well wishes ahead first.
Regards,
Felix
Friday, August 19, 2011
Friday Fever 105
Good morning friday!
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. As he got closer to shore he shouted to the guy again "What did you do to get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em all."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and awesome leader,
Felix
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. As he got closer to shore he shouted to the guy again "What did you do to get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em all."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and awesome leader,
Felix
Friday, August 12, 2011
Friday Fever 104
Good morning friday!
You need an hour for this!
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and inspiring leader,
Felix
You need an hour for this!
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and inspiring leader,
Felix
Friday, August 5, 2011
Friday Fever 103
Good evening friday!
Here's your after-dinner special,
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Here's your after-dinner special,
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, July 29, 2011
Friday Fever 102
Good morning friday!
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes.
The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.
The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and exemplary leader,
Felix
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes.
The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.
The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and exemplary leader,
Felix
Friday, July 22, 2011
Friday Fever 101
Good morning friday!
John called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the girl of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the girl came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most amazing and fantastic leader,
Felix
John called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the girl of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the girl came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most amazing and fantastic leader,
Felix
Friday, July 15, 2011
Felix's Turtle
zhihui and celine went to taiwan and got us some souvenirs!
Ireceived chose my turtle! =p
P.S. It glows in the dark! So cool!
I
P.S. It glows in the dark! So cool!
Friday Fever 100
Good morning friday!
Oh, it's issue 100 already! >=D
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and fascinating leader,
Felix
Oh, it's issue 100 already! >=D
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and fascinating leader,
Felix
Friday, July 8, 2011
Friday Fever 99
Good morning friday!
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, July 1, 2011
Friday Fever 98
Good afternoon friday!
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," Little Johnny replies, "I don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," Little Johnny replies, "I don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, June 24, 2011
Friday Fever 97
Good afternoon friday!
A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys." The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.
Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?"
The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce safely for that long for ten dollars?"
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys." The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.
Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?"
The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce safely for that long for ten dollars?"
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, June 17, 2011
Friday Fever 96
Good morning friday!
A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it...
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
"Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."
Barbara: "It's a cuckoo."
Regis: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the million."
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo."
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Absolutely!"
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo. Well....you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS Here is
your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne. Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
"It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live
in clocks."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it...
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
"Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."
Barbara: "It's a cuckoo."
Regis: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the million."
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo."
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Absolutely!"
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo. Well....you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS Here is
your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne. Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
"It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live
in clocks."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, June 10, 2011
Friday Fever 95
Good morning friday!
Minor differences.
-From Oatmeal Comics
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and hardworking leader,
Felix
Minor differences.
-From Oatmeal ComicsPleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and hardworking leader,
Felix
Friday, June 3, 2011
Friday Fever 94
Good morning friday!
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident
golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it
safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and
proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee telling him that
he was a better golfer than that and how dare the caddy under
estimate his game.
So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had
asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled
about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for
one long putt..."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident
golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it
safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and
proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee telling him that
he was a better golfer than that and how dare the caddy under
estimate his game.
So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had
asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled
about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for
one long putt..."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, May 27, 2011
Friday Fever 93
Good morning friday!
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the cheque for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and witty leader,
Felix
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the cheque for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and witty leader,
Felix
Friday, May 20, 2011
Friday Fever 92
Good morning friday!
Here are some interesting tombstone inscriptions.
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
******************************
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.
******************************
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle
in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
The Good Die Young.
******************************
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallenstein wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
******************************
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.
******************************
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
******************************
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
******************************
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
******************************
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.
******************************
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
******************************
Anna Hopewell's grave
in Enosburg Falls, Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go.
******************************
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket,
Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
******************************
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Here are some interesting tombstone inscriptions.
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
******************************
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.
******************************
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle
in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
The Good Die Young.
******************************
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallenstein wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
******************************
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.
******************************
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
******************************
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
******************************
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
******************************
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.
******************************
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
******************************
Anna Hopewell's grave
in Enosburg Falls, Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go.
******************************
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket,
Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
******************************
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, May 13, 2011
Friday Fever 91
Good morning friday!
What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, May 6, 2011
Friday Fever 90
Good morning friday!
Jonas, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Jonas headed for the bush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Jonas replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Jonas, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Jonas headed for the bush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Jonas replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, April 29, 2011
Friday Fever 89
Good evening friday!
A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence,
"Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!"
Pleasant evening everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence,
"Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!"
Pleasant evening everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, April 22, 2011
Friday Fever 88
Good morning friday!
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your mind and . . . begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer:
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?
Answer:
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer:
4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines failed. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decided on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately, the engine failed before he had time and the plane crashed smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where do you think the survivors were buried - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer:
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer:
6. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer:
Pleasant friday everyone!
Enjoy your good friday holiday!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your mind and . . . begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer:
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?
Answer:
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer:
4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines failed. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decided on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately, the engine failed before he had time and the plane crashed smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where do you think the survivors were buried - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer:
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer:
6. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer:
Pleasant friday everyone!
Enjoy your good friday holiday!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, April 15, 2011
Friday Fever 87
Good morning friday!
For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and fascinating leader,
Felix
For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and fascinating leader,
Felix
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
Friday Fever 86
Good morning friday!
CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit, the Frog, appears on Oprah with the
grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house,where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome."
Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the
government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful
neighbourhood.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and fantastic leader,
Felix
CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit, the Frog, appears on Oprah with the
grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house,where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome."
Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the
government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful
neighbourhood.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and fantastic leader,
Felix
Friday, April 1, 2011
Friday Fever 85
Good morning friday!
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."
The second one says, "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"
Regards from your wisest most talented and witty leader,
Felix
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."
The second one says, "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"
Regards from your wisest most talented and witty leader,
Felix
Friday, March 25, 2011
Friday Fever 84
Good morning friday!
It's another encore joke today!
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued.
"Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people out of medical school."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and witty leader,
Felix
It's another encore joke today!
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued.
"Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people out of medical school."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and witty leader,
Felix
Friday, March 18, 2011
Friday Fever 83
Good morning friday!
Here's a list of new definitions:
Atom Bomb :
An invention to end all inventions.
Boss :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Cigarette :
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Classic :
A book which people praise, but do not read.
Committee :
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Compromise :
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference :
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room :
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Criminal :
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Dictionary :
A place where success comes before work.
Diplomat :
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Doctor :
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Etc. :
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience :
The name men give to their mistakes.
Father:
A banker provided by nature.
Lecture :
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Miser :
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Office :
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Opportunist :
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist :
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Philosopher :
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Politician :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Smile :
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Tattoo:
Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Tears :
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Traffic Light:
An apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and witty leader,
Felix
Here's a list of new definitions:
Atom Bomb :
An invention to end all inventions.
Boss :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Cigarette :
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Classic :
A book which people praise, but do not read.
Committee :
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Compromise :
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference :
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room :
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Criminal :
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Dictionary :
A place where success comes before work.
Diplomat :
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Doctor :
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Etc. :
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience :
The name men give to their mistakes.
Father:
A banker provided by nature.
Lecture :
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Miser :
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Office :
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Opportunist :
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist :
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Philosopher :
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Politician :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Smile :
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Tattoo:
Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Tears :
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Traffic Light:
An apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and witty leader,
Felix
Friday, March 11, 2011
Friday Fever 82
Good morning friday!
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them."
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and hardworking leader,
Felix
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them."
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and hardworking leader,
Felix
Friday, March 4, 2011
Friday Fever 81
Good afternoon friday!
Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.
After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."
The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together! Together! Together!"
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I am not dumb.
And I also know I am not blond.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.
After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."
The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together! Together! Together!"
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I am not dumb.
And I also know I am not blond.
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, February 25, 2011
Friday Fever 80
Good morning friday!
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Mike there?" I asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know!" He replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour!"
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and hardworking leader,
Felix
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Mike there?" I asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know!" He replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour!"
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and hardworking leader,
Felix
Friday, February 18, 2011
Friday Fever 79
Good evening friday!
One morning in a posh hotel breakfast room, a guest called over the head waiter. "Good morning, sir! I'd like to order two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's
runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough. I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread. Finally, I'll have a pot of extra-weak coffee, served at room temperature."
The bewildered waiter almost stuttered. "Sir! We cannot serve such an awful breakfast to you here!"
"Why not?" the guest replied. "That's what I got here yesterday!"
Pleasant friday everyone!!
Regards from your wisest most talented and fantastic leader,
Felix
One morning in a posh hotel breakfast room, a guest called over the head waiter. "Good morning, sir! I'd like to order two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's
runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough. I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread. Finally, I'll have a pot of extra-weak coffee, served at room temperature."
The bewildered waiter almost stuttered. "Sir! We cannot serve such an awful breakfast to you here!"
"Why not?" the guest replied. "That's what I got here yesterday!"
Pleasant friday everyone!!
Regards from your wisest most talented and fantastic leader,
Felix
Friday, February 11, 2011
Friday Fever 78
Good morning friday!
Here's another encore joke! I realised I had published the previous one before. woops! But this is one of my favourites! And though I could not find the joke again, I decided to retype it still. lol.
It was a cold winter night and everyone on the streets had retired back to their homes to celebrate christmas with sumptous feasts.
I was returning from a day of hard work when I noticed a small boy weeping silently at the corner of an alley. I decided to walk up and figure out what happened.
"Something wrong, kid?" I knelt down beside him, patting his head.
He looked up with solemn red eyes, effects of the sustained crying, and explained to me, "My mom had been working very hard so we could have a better dinner for christmas tonight. But she came down with a fever and so I was tasked to buy some food back with the hundred dollars she gave me. On my way to town, someone robbed me of the fifty I was carrying in my hand. Now I only have half remaining and I cant buy enough food back for my four other younger brothers and sisters."
The poor kid broke down in tears again.
"Didn't you shout for help?" I asked.
"I did. But nobody could hear me in this deserted alley of town." He sobbed.
I asked him to show me how he shouted. He squeaked a really weak cry. His whimper could not even make past half the distance to the main streets.
Seeing how pitiful his cries were, I decided to take his other fifty and ran.
Pleasant friday ahead everyone!
Regards from wisest most talented and dedicated leader,
Felix
Here's another encore joke! I realised I had published the previous one before. woops! But this is one of my favourites! And though I could not find the joke again, I decided to retype it still. lol.
It was a cold winter night and everyone on the streets had retired back to their homes to celebrate christmas with sumptous feasts.
I was returning from a day of hard work when I noticed a small boy weeping silently at the corner of an alley. I decided to walk up and figure out what happened.
"Something wrong, kid?" I knelt down beside him, patting his head.
He looked up with solemn red eyes, effects of the sustained crying, and explained to me, "My mom had been working very hard so we could have a better dinner for christmas tonight. But she came down with a fever and so I was tasked to buy some food back with the hundred dollars she gave me. On my way to town, someone robbed me of the fifty I was carrying in my hand. Now I only have half remaining and I cant buy enough food back for my four other younger brothers and sisters."
The poor kid broke down in tears again.
"Didn't you shout for help?" I asked.
"I did. But nobody could hear me in this deserted alley of town." He sobbed.
I asked him to show me how he shouted. He squeaked a really weak cry. His whimper could not even make past half the distance to the main streets.
Seeing how pitiful his cries were, I decided to take his other fifty and ran.
Pleasant friday ahead everyone!
Regards from wisest most talented and dedicated leader,
Felix
Friday, February 4, 2011
Friday Fever 77
Good evening friday!
Hope you guys have been wishing your elders a happy year ahead. I want to share that my tears immediately dropped when I saw my grandpa today. He was really old, and movements were very slow, needing the help of a maid. My grandma's really old too. They are having poor memories of who me and my siblings were. It's a moment where past memories of them treating me and my siblings so well flooded through my mind. I hope everyone treasures your loved ones. Family is not to be taken for granted. Kinship is a relationship of blood and hopefully through the years you have grown, you can get to understand that the generations are passing their batons of family traditions and cultures and we're the ones eventually holding onto them before passing on to future pillars in our respective families.
My boss didn't come into work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "I just can't see myself at work today."
Have a happy chinese new year everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Hope you guys have been wishing your elders a happy year ahead. I want to share that my tears immediately dropped when I saw my grandpa today. He was really old, and movements were very slow, needing the help of a maid. My grandma's really old too. They are having poor memories of who me and my siblings were. It's a moment where past memories of them treating me and my siblings so well flooded through my mind. I hope everyone treasures your loved ones. Family is not to be taken for granted. Kinship is a relationship of blood and hopefully through the years you have grown, you can get to understand that the generations are passing their batons of family traditions and cultures and we're the ones eventually holding onto them before passing on to future pillars in our respective families.
My boss didn't come into work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "I just can't see myself at work today."
Have a happy chinese new year everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and amazing leader,
Felix
Friday, January 28, 2011
Friday Fever 76
Good afternoon friday!
A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and,
clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns
the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing
out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at
the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog
just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind
of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my
Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and inspiring leader,
Felix
A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and,
clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns
the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing
out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at
the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog
just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind
of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my
Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and inspiring leader,
Felix
Friday, January 21, 2011
Friday Fever 75
Good afternoon friday!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
As they lay down for the night, the fire dwindling nearby, Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".
Watson said "I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe.
Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why? - What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"
Holmes: "Someone stole our tent".
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and wonderful leader,
Felix
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
As they lay down for the night, the fire dwindling nearby, Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".
Watson said "I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe.
Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why? - What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"
Holmes: "Someone stole our tent".
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and wonderful leader,
Felix
Friday, January 14, 2011
Friday Fever 74
Good afternoon friday!
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the woman yelled back, "Cardigan!"
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and fantastic leader,
Felix
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the woman yelled back, "Cardigan!"
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and fantastic leader,
Felix
Friday, January 7, 2011
Friday Fever 73
Good afternoon friday!
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and original leader,
Felix
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
Pleasant friday everyone!
Regards from your wisest most talented and original leader,
Felix